Tonight I found out why some men choose to be gay. It's almost too easy to cop out of a relationship with a woman-- by nature, beguiling but utterly alien-- and find comfort in someone who is utterly familiar: another man.
Hijo de p_+@ .
Monday, July 26, 2004
We Don't Have a Word for "Setting Jaw and Stoically Prepping to Pretend I Didn't Make the Application"
Firstly, let me thank McVie for taking the time to look out for me. I really appreciate it. I swear, my friends are living proof that the Universe isn't actively trying to burn me out and piss on the ashes.
I've made my own inquiries regarding my application. The people I'm talking to say they still have their hands tied. As I've been fed all sorts of lines before by cheats and con men, I have to fight myself to keep from reading "bad" in their motives. Besides, I've been an editor myself and I know what it's like when projects are stalled by lousy funding and politics.
At any rate, I've taken McVie's advice. Two applications elsewhere have already been sent. This marks a new period of near-fruitless barren waiting and seeding the workplace with résumés-- 90% of which will be put in the shredder. Par for the course, but it hurts when you reach out and get jack. You put so much into this search for employment even if you know you'll almost always be underemployed, overworked and underpaid.
That was why I decided to live on the fringe in the first place. It was because
1. I 'm living with someone and
2. I recognized what a frickin' lousy businessman I am
that I even considered going mainstream.
Yeah, Dex, cry me a river, you big sissy.
I reeeeeeeeally hate having to make declarative statements, especially about my immediate future, just to have to eat them later.
I've made my own inquiries regarding my application. The people I'm talking to say they still have their hands tied. As I've been fed all sorts of lines before by cheats and con men, I have to fight myself to keep from reading "bad" in their motives. Besides, I've been an editor myself and I know what it's like when projects are stalled by lousy funding and politics.
At any rate, I've taken McVie's advice. Two applications elsewhere have already been sent. This marks a new period of near-fruitless barren waiting and seeding the workplace with résumés-- 90% of which will be put in the shredder. Par for the course, but it hurts when you reach out and get jack. You put so much into this search for employment even if you know you'll almost always be underemployed, overworked and underpaid.
That was why I decided to live on the fringe in the first place. It was because
1. I 'm living with someone and
2. I recognized what a frickin' lousy businessman I am
that I even considered going mainstream.
Yeah, Dex, cry me a river, you big sissy.
I reeeeeeeeally hate having to make declarative statements, especially about my immediate future, just to have to eat them later.
Hmmm...
No calls.
Ever.
From last week.
My life. is like my calls--
On hold.
Come on people. Why does this have to be like pulling teeth? I can take rejection. I've had to endure twenty five of them trying to get someone to be my girlfriend. What's keeping you from telling me the simple truth?
I'm preparing to send applications to two more places just in case all those calls I've made following up my application turn out to be fruitless.
Ever.
From last week.
My life. is like my calls--
On hold.
Come on people. Why does this have to be like pulling teeth? I can take rejection. I've had to endure twenty five of them trying to get someone to be my girlfriend. What's keeping you from telling me the simple truth?
I'm preparing to send applications to two more places just in case all those calls I've made following up my application turn out to be fruitless.
Monday, July 19, 2004
Hypotheses
I've three guesses as to why the graphics on my laptop have conked out on me, especially when I'm using said laptop for heavy resource draining applications.
To test them, I need to be able to open this thing up for scrutiny; something I'm afraid to do just now. More importantly, I'll need a brush. And maybe RAM chips for Compaq laptop motherboards-- things I haven't even seen, let alone tinkered with. If I'm wrong on all guesses, I'll need a (sob) new video card. Might as well pray I can get myself a new laptop.
Joy.
To test them, I need to be able to open this thing up for scrutiny; something I'm afraid to do just now. More importantly, I'll need a brush. And maybe RAM chips for Compaq laptop motherboards-- things I haven't even seen, let alone tinkered with. If I'm wrong on all guesses, I'll need a (sob) new video card. Might as well pray I can get myself a new laptop.
Joy.
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Makes You Go Hmmm...
It's been weeks and absolutely no one from my prospective place of work has bothered to contact me, not even to tell me stuff like:
"Hey, things are still messy here, so our hands are tied and we can't hire you yet. Check back with us in six months." or "Hey, your work sucks so we can't hire you."
I'm beginning to feel stupid having to place a discreet call or send an email once a week to ask about my state of employment. I'm loath to do this, since I know how irritating people can be when they get pushy. But I want this job. Which means I'll haveta place one more call come Monday. To Be a Pest and Ask about My Job.
...
I hate it when my life is put on hold like this and I hate being forced to be a pain. I've spent too much money (mine, my girlfriend's) on this project. I've bought sample magazines, new software; run off to LB to spend more money --added to my friend's electric bill and the wear on his PC; bothered people to lend me a working phone to make contacting me easy. I've shaved weeks off my life in the four days I slaved like a demon to come up with sample works.
Why haven't they contacted me? They know how to reach me. I thought their need was urgent.
There are better things I can do with my time than wait. I think I deserve to be told exactly what is going on.
"Hey, things are still messy here, so our hands are tied and we can't hire you yet. Check back with us in six months." or "Hey, your work sucks so we can't hire you."
I'm beginning to feel stupid having to place a discreet call or send an email once a week to ask about my state of employment. I'm loath to do this, since I know how irritating people can be when they get pushy. But I want this job. Which means I'll haveta place one more call come Monday. To Be a Pest and Ask about My Job.
...
I hate it when my life is put on hold like this and I hate being forced to be a pain. I've spent too much money (mine, my girlfriend's) on this project. I've bought sample magazines, new software; run off to LB to spend more money --added to my friend's electric bill and the wear on his PC; bothered people to lend me a working phone to make contacting me easy. I've shaved weeks off my life in the four days I slaved like a demon to come up with sample works.
Why haven't they contacted me? They know how to reach me. I thought their need was urgent.
There are better things I can do with my time than wait. I think I deserve to be told exactly what is going on.
Friday, July 16, 2004
Fringe Movie: Conan the Destroyer (1984)
I'm currently watching another iteration of Conan the Barbarian (actually, Conan the Destroyer) and I'm loving it. The producers never intended it, but it's so chock full of campy goodness.
Governor Arnie Schwarzenegger's sincere though hammy acting and dialogue still bring a nostalgic smile to my weathered face. Mako, late of Seven Years in Tibet and playing Akijo --Conan's wizard sidekick-- in this movie, is always a welcome sight in any role. Two pillars of heartfelt hammy acting with memorable accents: go figure. God knows I haven't seen Grace Jones scare the bejeezus outta me since the eighties. She's also a welcome sight here, as dear as any old friend, in my book. As Zula the bandit, she's the quintessential African Goddess: big, scary, yet attractive in her feline grace and ferocity.
The lay of the land: Conan is apparently like me, mourning mising or dead loves. He misses his warrior-lover Valeria, introduced and killed off in Conan the Barbarian. The Evil Queen (Sarah Douglas, Superman II) cuts a deal with him: Bring her neice (d'Abo) on a quest to retrieve a powerful artifact and Evil Queen brings Valeria back to life. Conan makes a quick stop to pick up some questing companions and the adventure begins...
The little gay guy in me loves the muscles and the revealing costumes. Meanwhile the big lummox macho guy in me loves the women in them: especially the young princess Jehnna (Olivia d'Abo). He also salivates at the opportunity to judge the swordwork, as this is a film of the swashbuckling variety.
As this is a De Laurentis film, the special effects and set design, though dated, do not disappoint. The musical scoring, with its dependence on chimes and traditional wind intruments is refreshing after having viewed films with today's in-your-face electronica.
Lines from a scene I've gotta love--
d'Abo: "How do you attract a man?"
Jones: "You grrrab him!"
Oh yeah!
Governor Arnie Schwarzenegger's sincere though hammy acting and dialogue still bring a nostalgic smile to my weathered face. Mako, late of Seven Years in Tibet and playing Akijo --Conan's wizard sidekick-- in this movie, is always a welcome sight in any role. Two pillars of heartfelt hammy acting with memorable accents: go figure. God knows I haven't seen Grace Jones scare the bejeezus outta me since the eighties. She's also a welcome sight here, as dear as any old friend, in my book. As Zula the bandit, she's the quintessential African Goddess: big, scary, yet attractive in her feline grace and ferocity.
The lay of the land: Conan is apparently like me, mourning mising or dead loves. He misses his warrior-lover Valeria, introduced and killed off in Conan the Barbarian. The Evil Queen (Sarah Douglas, Superman II) cuts a deal with him: Bring her neice (d'Abo) on a quest to retrieve a powerful artifact and Evil Queen brings Valeria back to life. Conan makes a quick stop to pick up some questing companions and the adventure begins...
The little gay guy in me loves the muscles and the revealing costumes. Meanwhile the big lummox macho guy in me loves the women in them: especially the young princess Jehnna (Olivia d'Abo). He also salivates at the opportunity to judge the swordwork, as this is a film of the swashbuckling variety.
As this is a De Laurentis film, the special effects and set design, though dated, do not disappoint. The musical scoring, with its dependence on chimes and traditional wind intruments is refreshing after having viewed films with today's in-your-face electronica.
Lines from a scene I've gotta love--
d'Abo: "How do you attract a man?"
Jones: "You grrrab him!"
Oh yeah!
Sunday, July 11, 2004
Dex is Now Connected
I stopped by my old homestead. Mom handed me my brother's old and decrepit Nokia. Well, at least the design is obsolete so it isn't dyolog anymore.
Much thanks to the Power That Is.
Much thanks to the Power That Is.
An Open Prayer
Dear God,
I realize the number of hours lost in every wasted day. Let me spend those hours in prayer and self-enrichment, if not in anything else.
Amen.
I realize the number of hours lost in every wasted day. Let me spend those hours in prayer and self-enrichment, if not in anything else.
Amen.
Saturday, July 10, 2004
Saturday, July 03, 2004
Fringe Lifer's Word for This Week
zombie - n.
1. A dead body that has been brought back to life by a supernatural force
2. (in voodooism) a spirit or supernatural force that reanimates a dead body
3. A god of voodoo cults of African origin worshipped especially in West Indies
4. Someone who acts or responds in a mechanical or apathetic way
5. Several kinds of rum with fruit juice and usually apricot liqueur
After more than 18 hours in front of a PC giving my old comic book sample pages Photoshop-assisted plastic surgery, zombie is exactly how I feel. I'm still in Los Banos, at a friend's. I'm frying his PC's RAM chips trying to make six-year-old artwork look less dated. I'm here because my Trusty(TM) laptop's graphics have decided to conk out on me at the last minute.
Progress? I've already emailed two finished pages (old artwork, made like new), but I've yet to finish current comic book artwork and a couple of sample layout pages. I want the job that the approval of these things reprersents. But mind and body rebel.
Here's to finishing by tomorrow afternoon.
1. A dead body that has been brought back to life by a supernatural force
2. (in voodooism) a spirit or supernatural force that reanimates a dead body
3. A god of voodoo cults of African origin worshipped especially in West Indies
4. Someone who acts or responds in a mechanical or apathetic way
5. Several kinds of rum with fruit juice and usually apricot liqueur
After more than 18 hours in front of a PC giving my old comic book sample pages Photoshop-assisted plastic surgery, zombie is exactly how I feel. I'm still in Los Banos, at a friend's. I'm frying his PC's RAM chips trying to make six-year-old artwork look less dated. I'm here because my Trusty(TM) laptop's graphics have decided to conk out on me at the last minute.
Progress? I've already emailed two finished pages (old artwork, made like new), but I've yet to finish current comic book artwork and a couple of sample layout pages. I want the job that the approval of these things reprersents. But mind and body rebel.
Here's to finishing by tomorrow afternoon.
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