Monday, September 08, 2014

The Crumbling Fringe

Honest talk:

1. I'm slower than I used to be. Everything I make or do feels like it has to swim through molasses before it manifests in a tangible form. I have to consider this when I'm doing projects for people. This is enormously frustrating.

2. I can't even start with what I'm supposed to be doing for me because everything gets in the way. Overdue project, my sister's wedding, and my family's dumb idea to have me "do something useful" by contributing to said wedding by helping with the invitations.

Contributing this way isn't bad in itself, but I'm swamped and they're treating this like a job they want to farm out to the retarded relative out of  pity. I'd rather not take on that job if it's going to have that kind of baggage. I'd rather this bridge stay burned than traverse it again.      

3. And the root is this: People around me think I don't do anything. Considering that I can't do anything at a decent pace, I'm beginning to believe them.

4. There's nowhere else to go to start over. I can't rely on friends for help this time: they've got their own problems and they don't need me adding to them.  There's nowhere to go, and no one to talk to about this. No one who won't be whining about me whining.

5. Suicide out of frustration is not an option. You know how much funerary services cost? If there was a way to do this painlessly and cost-effectively, I'd have done it by now. And the kicker is that it still won't shut anybody up.

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